I feel like someone has just given me the permission to dream of my "ideal" situation, all that I hope for our relationship with our daughter's first family to be, and even some of what I fully expect it will not be. I'm continually learning (and re-learning) that this relationship -- not unlike any other -- is a two-way street. I am only in control of my half of the road, but there is a great responsibility in that.
If I could make a wish list in our situation, it would include things such as:
- More frequent visits
- Consistent and reciprocal communication
- Sharing my daughter's birthdays with her first mom in person rather than via letters, cards, packages sent, and late night emails (but, I feel I should note that I AM thankful for those things as well)
- More honest and open discussion of feelings and emotions -- a throwback to what it once was
- Clear answers for my daughter about some fuzzy areas of her story
- Communication from her biological father that comes with a pure intent
- Medical, social, and family information from the paternal side
- An open relationship with her biological father's side... someday... maybe...
- The ability for my child to pick up a phone, write an email, or send a letter to either of her first parents, and the expectation that her communication will not go unanswered
- A feeling of acceptance and love for her in ANY part of her biological family
That my daughter will be completely fulfilled, happy, and at peace with her life and its unique circumstances.
That's really all any parent could ask for, isn't it? We all want our kids to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted. We want them to be kind, respectful, honest, and responsible individuals. We do our best to mold them into the people they were born to be, and to be what God created them to be. We never, ever want to see them hurt from something outside of their (and our) control, and that is often times a real and present fear in the adoptive family.
So, even if our adoption never achieves the new heights of openness that I myself would desire, I wouldn't change it, as long as my sweet girl can understand why she was placed, who she was meant to be in life, and how much she is loved by all who are blessed to call her part of their family.